Michelle Renee Kidwell
8 min readJun 14, 2020

I’ll Stumble, I’ll Fall, I’ll Stand Again: Chapter Four

Chapter Four:

I know it’s a dream, because I’m standing.

Standing, something so small, something I could once do without thought.

There were a lot of things I has once done without though, that now I struggled with.

Getting myself dressed, showered, even taken care of other issues could be troublesome.

Funny the things you take for granted, the things that you couldn’t imagine not being able to do.

There were things you don’t think about, like how hardwood floors felt, cool beneath your feet. I was starting to forget what bare feet against a wood floor. I missed the feel of sand beneath my toes.

I could not focus on the things I could no longer do. I didn’t want to be sucked into that negativity. The fact that I had made it was a reason to celebrate. Grief was okay, I knew that but getting sucked into negativity, allowing that grief to turn in a constant pity party was not okay.

“Sienna, I don’t know if I could be as strong, or as forgiving as you are.” Krista said. “I would be so angry.”

“Krista I’m not some superwoman, I get angry and frustrated. There are times that forgiveness is the last thing on my mind.”

Krista looked at me as if she was surprised. I didn’t want her to think of me as some superwoman that did not struggle. I struggled, I got angry, I felt a great deal of pain. I felt hatred at times, but soon learned that hatred harmed me more than the person I wasted my hatred on. Hatred could eat me up from the inside, out. I was determined not to let that happen.

“I guess I just didn’t think of the anger you must deal with. “

“Krista, it’s okay. I try to be positive, but I’m only human.”

My sister looked at me, and nodded. She was trying to understand something I was not sure I could understand myself. There was so much I still struggled with, so much about this new reality I was trying to come to terms with.

Everyone sees me as this strong person Lord, but most of the time I feel downright week. I know that this is not a battle I could face without you, I am not going to get through this without you Lord. But I know that I have…

Michelle Renee Kidwell

Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge in the light: Helen Keller http://www.facebook.com/fansofMichellerkidwell